tu me manques :')

If only I could. If only I know what to do. Should I or shouldn't I?

Eye-opener :)

Last night was an eye-opener for me. I told myself that there will be some people who will accept me for who I am. Unfortunately I am wrong. I use this moment to reflect whether or not should I act differently in front of my friends, even to the closest one. Being away from home, away from my comfort zone has taught me a lot about life. About different types of people in the world, about hypocrisy, basically about life. If I am different from what most people do, is it me who needs to change just to please them? I remember when I was little my teacher taught me about tolerance. About respecting all the differences in this world. I think tolerance is just another thing that will never happen in life, especially in this modern society. People tend to be more individualist and lose respect towards each other. It is just so sad and something that I wish our future might do.

Why lie? I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say the opposite of what I think, like some others do.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/hypocrite.html#ovG40JDJ0dOCfKSG.99

Why lie? I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say the opposite of what I think, like some others do.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/hypocrite.html#ovG40JDJ0dOCfKSG.99

"Why lie? I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say the opposite of what I think, like some others do."

Why lie? I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say the opposite of what I think, like some others do.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/hypocrite.html#ovG40JDJ0dOCfKSG.99

Regret

I have been hurt and I don't want to fall to the same miskate again. But I am wrong. You're such a nice person and I regret every thing I've done. Now please please please come back...

New Year, New Journey

I guess it is not too late for me to say Merry christmas and happy new year! I can't believe it is already 2014. Time goes by so fast, I did not realize that next year I will be 20 years old! During this christmas break, I had the opportunity to travel all around UK (UK is the current country that I live now). I spent my christmas in London. It was a fun trip actually. To be honest when I first signed up for this trip, I did not expect it to be this much fun since I went there with bunch of new people. London was nice, I got to see a whole different city from where I live. For new year, I got the chance to see Edinburgh. I joined the torchlight festival and had a magnificent view of the whole city. Overall the trip was nice and more importantly I did not feel alone during this holiday.

A lot of things happened during this trip, including one that I never thought before. But right now I just let my brain and my heart to process all the surprises during this journey. I will never let my heart fall for the wrong person again, neither make high expectation to it. My resolution for this year is for me to live my life and for me to pass this course *hopefully*.

Let me add a little bit more about my story, I think I started to know what I like to do in life. Recently, I started to paint my nails. It was actually a hobby but I did not realize that actually I am quite good at it. Cooking is another skill that I never thought I had one, not until I started cooking. But life is still a long journey to explore, I'll see wher it will take me! I guess that's all for now! I'll see you very soon! Best, MS.

Help :)

And today I broke into tears.... That moment was the worst moment of my life. For those who know me, they will know that I am not a person who is easy to cry moreover crying in front of strangers. Well theoritically she is not a stranger, she is my teacher. But this is definitely not something that I would do again in the future. I just don't want people to see me as a weak person although I need to admit that I need help.What worst is not the fact that I broke into tears in front of strangers but because what she said was all true. I need help, I do. All these times I went with the flow, I would go and wait where the waves will take me. But I never questioned myself, what do you really like? or what do you want to be in life?

I won't be 100% blaming my parents for what they did to me, cause I chose to do this course. Maybe this is not something I like, but I am commited to what I've chosen without realizing that it's hurting me inside. I don't have the courage to speak my opinion and will never be brave enough to do that. 

So I think here are my problem:

• I am always good at everything I do. This makes me hard to love something neither to be passionate towards something. It is also because everything I do, I do it as a necessity that I need to fulfill. Another problem is because, I will always be good just good. 
• I can never say NO! yeah this is a problem. I always feel bad if I say no to someone even strangers. Although maybe I know it is something that I don't like. 
• I am a "worrier". I am always worried. That's true. I just don't want to disappoint anybody. That's stupid yeah see that is how stupid I am. I overthink stuffs that I should not care about.
• I am a perfectionist. I know nothing is perfect, if things don't go my way or end up the way I imagine that would disappoint me. Disappointing myself is not a problem for me, but those who are disappointed because of me worries me.

If only my parents could know how I really feel. It's just impossible to tell them how I feel. I just don't want to disappoint them neither make them worry about me. Sadly, I can't tell my friends either. Cause I'm always be the one who motivates them and I don't want to see how fragile I am inside. Yeah, I've talked to some of my friends about this feeling, but you didn't hear all the stories. I was just telling you bits of my story, there is still and always be a wall that I build up even to my closest friends. I guess this is the path that I've chosen, nothing else could I do about it. I just want to be successful in everything I do. Although I keep questioning myself, will I?

Regards,

MS. 

conformity is the enemy of growth

"and it is easy to believe that you are not good enough if you listen to everybody else" 
-Mackenzie Astin-

This quote simply says it all. Today was a total mess. 

Under control

I use this little time I have to write about how I feel lately. Life has been very beautiful to me since I came here. It is an amazing place to start this journey. It is still hard for me to adapt with all the changes that is happening but I always believe that everything will be better eventually.

I had a conversation with my friend today about the cruelty in my life. Although I know that my life is way better than those kids who starve to have food whereas I can still enjoy all the facilities that I have. But some people just know me, not my story. My life seems so perfect that none of them know that I am hurting inside. They can always see my smile and my laughter but I will never show my loneliness. Someone told me I am the only person she knows who is never mad at something. I do get mad. I just do not want to show it so that no one will get hurt for the words that I never meant to say. I used to be that person, but I have changed.

I still cannot adjust with all the situation that is happening. I still cannot find a way to speak up my mind. I am still that kind of person who sit down, listen, and observe. Nowadays, I tend to lose my confidence. I do not even believe in my ability anymore. I even keep on questioning myself do I have something that I can show, that differentiate me from others.

Call me a pesimistic, but I do not even know how I will pass this course. The problem is that I do not want to disappoint my parents, my friends, and all those people who believe in me. I do not mind if I let myself down, I really do. It seems like everyone hates me and I do not know why I just feel that way. Hopefully better days are coming, cause I really need miracles. For those who always stand by me, support me, I just want to say thank you. I appreciate and I love all of you.

Wish me luck on my test tomorrow! Hopefully it will be the turning point in my life. xoxo, MS.

"Always talking, but you cannot be heard"