Help :)

And today I broke into tears.... That moment was the worst moment of my life. For those who know me, they will know that I am not a person who is easy to cry moreover crying in front of strangers. Well theoritically she is not a stranger, she is my teacher. But this is definitely not something that I would do again in the future. I just don't want people to see me as a weak person although I need to admit that I need help.What worst is not the fact that I broke into tears in front of strangers but because what she said was all true. I need help, I do. All these times I went with the flow, I would go and wait where the waves will take me. But I never questioned myself, what do you really like? or what do you want to be in life?

I won't be 100% blaming my parents for what they did to me, cause I chose to do this course. Maybe this is not something I like, but I am commited to what I've chosen without realizing that it's hurting me inside. I don't have the courage to speak my opinion and will never be brave enough to do that. 

So I think here are my problem:

• I am always good at everything I do. This makes me hard to love something neither to be passionate towards something. It is also because everything I do, I do it as a necessity that I need to fulfill. Another problem is because, I will always be good just good. 
• I can never say NO! yeah this is a problem. I always feel bad if I say no to someone even strangers. Although maybe I know it is something that I don't like. 
• I am a "worrier". I am always worried. That's true. I just don't want to disappoint anybody. That's stupid yeah see that is how stupid I am. I overthink stuffs that I should not care about.
• I am a perfectionist. I know nothing is perfect, if things don't go my way or end up the way I imagine that would disappoint me. Disappointing myself is not a problem for me, but those who are disappointed because of me worries me.

If only my parents could know how I really feel. It's just impossible to tell them how I feel. I just don't want to disappoint them neither make them worry about me. Sadly, I can't tell my friends either. Cause I'm always be the one who motivates them and I don't want to see how fragile I am inside. Yeah, I've talked to some of my friends about this feeling, but you didn't hear all the stories. I was just telling you bits of my story, there is still and always be a wall that I build up even to my closest friends. I guess this is the path that I've chosen, nothing else could I do about it. I just want to be successful in everything I do. Although I keep questioning myself, will I?

Regards,

MS. 

conformity is the enemy of growth

"and it is easy to believe that you are not good enough if you listen to everybody else" 
-Mackenzie Astin-

This quote simply says it all. Today was a total mess. 

Under control

I use this little time I have to write about how I feel lately. Life has been very beautiful to me since I came here. It is an amazing place to start this journey. It is still hard for me to adapt with all the changes that is happening but I always believe that everything will be better eventually.

I had a conversation with my friend today about the cruelty in my life. Although I know that my life is way better than those kids who starve to have food whereas I can still enjoy all the facilities that I have. But some people just know me, not my story. My life seems so perfect that none of them know that I am hurting inside. They can always see my smile and my laughter but I will never show my loneliness. Someone told me I am the only person she knows who is never mad at something. I do get mad. I just do not want to show it so that no one will get hurt for the words that I never meant to say. I used to be that person, but I have changed.

I still cannot adjust with all the situation that is happening. I still cannot find a way to speak up my mind. I am still that kind of person who sit down, listen, and observe. Nowadays, I tend to lose my confidence. I do not even believe in my ability anymore. I even keep on questioning myself do I have something that I can show, that differentiate me from others.

Call me a pesimistic, but I do not even know how I will pass this course. The problem is that I do not want to disappoint my parents, my friends, and all those people who believe in me. I do not mind if I let myself down, I really do. It seems like everyone hates me and I do not know why I just feel that way. Hopefully better days are coming, cause I really need miracles. For those who always stand by me, support me, I just want to say thank you. I appreciate and I love all of you.

Wish me luck on my test tomorrow! Hopefully it will be the turning point in my life. xoxo, MS.

"Always talking, but you cannot be heard"

a brand new start

It's hard when you come to a new place and barely know nothing about it. That's my life now. University life has already started. All alone in this new town. I love everything about me. I thought everything would be easy here, but I'm completely wrong about it. 

Away from family and friends are not that hard for me. It's just that this new environtment is completely different with what I used to have makes it a little bit hard for me to keep up with. Enjoying every single minute of it. Physically I am in my new place, but it feels like I left my heart somewhere else. 

Well, no further info about that. Wish me luck for everything I do here! Hope It will turn out good. Still don't know who I miss the most. Could be you, you, you, or you? See ya! 

"I don't want you, but I don't want to lose you either"

Recent days

Things have been very difficult these past days. I thought life would be easier and this job would not be this challenging. But I was definitely definitely wrong! Those kids are ridiculously insanse! How could I deal with that. Thank God it will only last for another very few weeks. IFFFFFFF.... the interview that I did yesterday was enough. Hopefully *fingers crossed*.

Gotta go! Have a lovely day! xoxo, ms.

"Not an optimist, just a realist"

EXCITEMENT

TIME REALLY FLIES. I still remember how busy i was a few months ago. Dealing with all the exams. But now here I am waiting to continue my study in the next two months. To fill my very long holiday, I am now a temporary english teacher for a course here in my home country. So far it has been one exciting job! I like dealing with kids, moreover it helps me to maintain my English skill before i go to UK. Still a lot of things to do in the next two months. Can't believe that I am now already 18. Hopefully this year would be one great year.

In my early days as an 18 girl was really fun. I had my friends calling me to say happy birthday, and in the morning I got another bunch of friends coming to my house for my birthday surprise! And it was followed by another two surprises that i got from my beloved friends. Yeah You can say it I AM BLESSED *courtesy to someone who said it to me on my special day*. Now, I'm enjoying every single minute of my life. Be thankful for what i have and what i don't have.

Alright! I gotta go cause I need to wake up early tomorrow. I'll see you soon hopefully maybe before I go to UK or when I arrive there! Xoxo, MS.

Jobless boss

Definitely not the news that i wanted to hear. Not today nor anytime in my life. How could it happen in my life? I can do nothing except praying for the best for you, pap :') Hope you will find something bigger and better than what yesterday has given to you. 

Best regards, 

Your daughter

Free as a bird

Well hello! It's been a long time and here I am trying to write about something! So exams are done and now I'm as free as a bird. Considering whether or not should I take any job. Although I'm still worried with the results with my tests. Since the tests were ridiculously hard! Anw, who cares! I'm on holiday and I should enjoy it before the hectic crazy days as a university students in september *hopefully*.

Enough saying. It's all about me me me. Next post is gonna be about my current favorite obsession! Woop woop!

Here's my favorite quote that keeps me strong lately.
"Wrong is wrong even if everyone's doing it. Right is right even if no one's doing it"

A little break would be good :)

Last week was a challenging week for me yet next week is going to be moreeeeee challenging. I mean like can I have a little break. A little time for me to breath, to rest, to relax. can it be a lot quicker for me to graduate. I am just tired with all the drama and the lifestyle that I'm currently doing.

New life I hope it'll be a lot better. well well well I guess I gotta go! I have to do some exercises for the practical exams that are waitng for me. And please! I kinda need y'all help. I can't decide what food I should cook for my cooking exam. If you have any suggestions, please tell me! Don't forget about the recipe! merci beaucoup :)
"Whenever you find whole world against you, just turn around and lead the world"

TEENAGE DREAM (?)

It's been a very long time since the last time I went over this blog. Life's getting harder everyday, buut I'm still trying to keep up with all the craziness. I've never imagined that my senior year would be the worst year in my life. I knew it from the very first time I went to that class, It won't be easy but I didn't expect it to be this hard also.

All these feelings are disturbing me today. But the worst thing is that I don't know who i should talk to. I believe I have a very few friends who I could talk to, but I don't think they would understand. I hate of being used. Being smart doesn't mean that I want people to come to me when they have something that needed to be finished. I'm tired. Everything that I do seems wrong to them. I'm torn into apart. I barely recognize who my friends are. And one thing you guys should know, karma does exist. so when you do bad things in your present lives, I hope in the future you could get what you really deserve.

Standing against the majority in my class seems wrong. The popular group takes over the class. I just want a peaceful year. high school seems like a nightmare now. The worst thing is that my parents know nothing about this. I'm tired of all the pressures that I'm getting. I just need my life to be the way it used to be. When I was loved, respected, and happy. I barely see myself smiling nowadays. And I miss my smile.

National exams are waiting. I hope I could nail it! I believe in my ability, I'll pass it with my own effort! I just hate, when I have worked my ass off but the results are not the way I expected. and those who rely on cheating always got a good score! screw you!

THE BEST THING is that my senior year will be over in 68 days! I can finally free myself from all the negativities around me. So, I've decided that I want to attend the Newcastle University, in United Kingdom. It's pretty far from home, but that's really what I need. I've been dreaming of studying abroad for a very long time. So hopefully It will go the way I wanted.

When people said "life is like a rollercoaster. It has its ups and downs...but it's your choice to either scream or enjoy the ride. Be Positive" maybe it's true. And now my life's on the down side of it. But sooner or later it'll reach its ups back! Trust me no one can stop me from reaching my dreams! so let's see *fingercrossed* best of luck for me! See you later, alligator :)