And today I broke into tears.... That moment was the worst moment of my life. For those who know me, they will know that I am not a person who is easy to cry moreover crying in front of strangers. Well theoritically she is not a stranger, she is my teacher. But this is definitely not something that I would do again in the future. I just don't want people to see me as a weak person although I need to admit that I need help.What worst is not the fact that I broke into tears in front of strangers but because what she said was all true. I need help, I do. All these times I went with the flow, I would go and wait where the waves will take me. But I never questioned myself, what do you really like? or what do you want to be in life?
I won't be 100% blaming my parents for what they did to me, cause I chose to do this course. Maybe this is not something I like, but I am commited to what I've chosen without realizing that it's hurting me inside. I don't have the courage to speak my opinion and will never be brave enough to do that.
So I think here are my problem:
- I am always good at everything I do. This makes me hard to love something neither to be passionate towards something. It is also because everything I do, I do it as a necessity that I need to fulfill. Another problem is because, I will always be good just good.
- I can never say NO! yeah this is a problem. I always feel bad if I say no to someone even strangers. Although maybe I know it is something that I don't like.
- I am a "worrier". I am always worried. That's true. I just don't want to disappoint anybody. That's stupid yeah see that is how stupid I am. I overthink stuffs that I should not care about.
- I am a perfectionist. I know nothing is perfect, if things don't go my way or end up the way I imagine that would disappoint me. Disappointing myself is not a problem for me, but those who are disappointed because of me worries me.
If only my parents could know how I really feel. It's just impossible to tell them how I feel. I just don't want to disappoint them neither make them worry about me. Sadly, I can't tell my friends either. Cause I'm always be the one who
motivates them and I don't want to see how fragile I am inside. Yeah,
I've talked to some of my friends about this feeling, but you didn't hear all the stories. I was just telling you bits of my story, there is still and always be a wall that I build up even to my closest friends. I guess this is the path that I've chosen, nothing else could I do about it. I just want to be successful in everything I do. Although I keep questioning myself, will I?
Regards,
MS.
