Help :)

And today I broke into tears.... That moment was the worst moment of my life. For those who know me, they will know that I am not a person who is easy to cry moreover crying in front of strangers. Well theoritically she is not a stranger, she is my teacher. But this is definitely not something that I would do again in the future. I just don't want people to see me as a weak person although I need to admit that I need help.What worst is not the fact that I broke into tears in front of strangers but because what she said was all true. I need help, I do. All these times I went with the flow, I would go and wait where the waves will take me. But I never questioned myself, what do you really like? or what do you want to be in life?

I won't be 100% blaming my parents for what they did to me, cause I chose to do this course. Maybe this is not something I like, but I am commited to what I've chosen without realizing that it's hurting me inside. I don't have the courage to speak my opinion and will never be brave enough to do that. 

So I think here are my problem:

• I am always good at everything I do. This makes me hard to love something neither to be passionate towards something. It is also because everything I do, I do it as a necessity that I need to fulfill. Another problem is because, I will always be good just good. 
• I can never say NO! yeah this is a problem. I always feel bad if I say no to someone even strangers. Although maybe I know it is something that I don't like. 
• I am a "worrier". I am always worried. That's true. I just don't want to disappoint anybody. That's stupid yeah see that is how stupid I am. I overthink stuffs that I should not care about.
• I am a perfectionist. I know nothing is perfect, if things don't go my way or end up the way I imagine that would disappoint me. Disappointing myself is not a problem for me, but those who are disappointed because of me worries me.

If only my parents could know how I really feel. It's just impossible to tell them how I feel. I just don't want to disappoint them neither make them worry about me. Sadly, I can't tell my friends either. Cause I'm always be the one who motivates them and I don't want to see how fragile I am inside. Yeah, I've talked to some of my friends about this feeling, but you didn't hear all the stories. I was just telling you bits of my story, there is still and always be a wall that I build up even to my closest friends. I guess this is the path that I've chosen, nothing else could I do about it. I just want to be successful in everything I do. Although I keep questioning myself, will I?

Regards,

MS. 

A little break would be good :)

Last week was a challenging week for me yet next week is going to be moreeeeee challenging. I mean like can I have a little break. A little time for me to breath, to rest, to relax. can it be a lot quicker for me to graduate. I am just tired with all the drama and the lifestyle that I'm currently doing.

New life I hope it'll be a lot better. well well well I guess I gotta go! I have to do some exercises for the practical exams that are waitng for me. And please! I kinda need y'all help. I can't decide what food I should cook for my cooking exam. If you have any suggestions, please tell me! Don't forget about the recipe! merci beaucoup :)
"Whenever you find whole world against you, just turn around and lead the world"

TEENAGE DREAM (?)

It's been a very long time since the last time I went over this blog. Life's getting harder everyday, buut I'm still trying to keep up with all the craziness. I've never imagined that my senior year would be the worst year in my life. I knew it from the very first time I went to that class, It won't be easy but I didn't expect it to be this hard also.

All these feelings are disturbing me today. But the worst thing is that I don't know who i should talk to. I believe I have a very few friends who I could talk to, but I don't think they would understand. I hate of being used. Being smart doesn't mean that I want people to come to me when they have something that needed to be finished. I'm tired. Everything that I do seems wrong to them. I'm torn into apart. I barely recognize who my friends are. And one thing you guys should know, karma does exist. so when you do bad things in your present lives, I hope in the future you could get what you really deserve.

Standing against the majority in my class seems wrong. The popular group takes over the class. I just want a peaceful year. high school seems like a nightmare now. The worst thing is that my parents know nothing about this. I'm tired of all the pressures that I'm getting. I just need my life to be the way it used to be. When I was loved, respected, and happy. I barely see myself smiling nowadays. And I miss my smile.

National exams are waiting. I hope I could nail it! I believe in my ability, I'll pass it with my own effort! I just hate, when I have worked my ass off but the results are not the way I expected. and those who rely on cheating always got a good score! screw you!

THE BEST THING is that my senior year will be over in 68 days! I can finally free myself from all the negativities around me. So, I've decided that I want to attend the Newcastle University, in United Kingdom. It's pretty far from home, but that's really what I need. I've been dreaming of studying abroad for a very long time. So hopefully It will go the way I wanted.

When people said "life is like a rollercoaster. It has its ups and downs...but it's your choice to either scream or enjoy the ride. Be Positive" maybe it's true. And now my life's on the down side of it. But sooner or later it'll reach its ups back! Trust me no one can stop me from reaching my dreams! so let's see *fingercrossed* best of luck for me! See you later, alligator :)